Trigger Warning: This art, a chakra-based exploration of my feminine experience, discusses themes of intimate partner violence and sexual crimes.

7 As Below, So Above, fabric on canvas, 35.5” x 53.25”, 2023

I am sitting at the kitchen table. I tell my daughter, “I would claw through the skies for you.” I am explaining that nothing would prevent me from clearing the way for her, not even our culture’s most seemingly perfect thought structure: the patriarchal stories of the gods and goddesses.

At that moment, I see the top of my head open to light. It is so! It is beautiful, clear, and radiant. It is as bright as it could be while being comfortable to see. There are no narratives, no things, no noise; just present/holding light. I see at this moment that none of it is true. None of it.

The narrative of a god exiling his kidnapping victim wife—the “romantic” Sita Rama yarn—not present. That is not a part of the Light.

A narcissist’s claim, asserting he produced Eve. Not part of the Light.

Everyday injustices resulting from self-serving power plays, or blind bias. Absent.

Though clear and resonant, the most joyful moments, even moments of experiencing the great mystery from our individual perspective, are also not part of the Light.

I don’t need to claw so much now. I understand.

I will keep readying myself. I will hold myself there, open to the light. Breath in an easy suspension. That shape. As if I am on the threshold of being born. As if I am crowning, with the light raining on my skull for the “first” time. Holding, being, with.

4/5 A Woman Has Two Hearts, video. 8:34 min. Philip Glass, Violin Concerto II. 2022

A woman has two hearts. One with arms to give, to embrace, and reach for the light—one with legs to connect to our source of manifestation, power, & passion. I draw my eggs from the Earth. I draw up the fire. One mouth to sing, scream, whisper, speak, to share her truth. One yoni through which to accept life, give birth, and release herself back to the Earth.

Level up. Begin with the truth. Begin by honoring her voice, her vision, her heart.

The last several years were times of intense trial in my life as a mother. No matter what happened or how difficult things were, the most important thing to me was to stay grounded and present for my child. I wished this both to hold space for her and show her how to stay in her body too. In the beginning, when the terror of the situation was very high, I prayed and prayed. I had to search my body for ways to stay “at home” inside me, to keep my spirit from escaping. To try and stay grounded in my lower body felt unreal and disconnected from my spiritual life. Focusing on my third eye all the time brought seemingly too much truth.

I found I could ground into my heart. There were many painful ideas and experiences that had space in my heart. There were many negative feelings about myself. I worked hard to be present with the negative aspects and let them go. If the pain of life seemed like it would break my heart, it just meant my heart was too small. I would focus on mending it and making my heart bigger. I didn’t want to hold anger or sadness. I felt they would grow to be too much to bear. Instead, I would find more ways to see and give to those with less than we had, or anyone. I could make someone else feel better even if I could not help myself. I would focus on being grateful for what was working, and for who was supporting us. The answer to our torture was compassion and gratitude.

The deepest, strongest imprints in my heart were from the motherline: my mother, my grandmother, my daughter, and my spiritual mother. My relationships with my daughter and grandmother are, despite outward appearances, the simplest I have known. We love each other unconditionally. We are thoughtful and generous towards each other.

My relationship with my mother is challenging. Before my birth, my mother and father spent months in a meditation retreat. In my teen years, I suffered from depression. When in deep sorrow, there was an internal, empty, black experience I would try to find. When I did, there was peace. Later, when I met my spiritual mother, Shri Anandi Ma, I experienced deep meditation. I recognized it as the same feeling I had sought and found during my depressive episodes. I believe I remember the peace and meditation experiences in the womb. When I learned formal spiritual practices I could access that nostalgic reality, so different than my family experience.

When I was preschool age, my mother encouraged me to draw and make things. She strongly disapproved of coloring books, telling me I could make my own outlines if I wanted to color something in. One day I had a stomach ache. I think she was tired of hearing about it. She slid a piece of paper in front of me and told me “draw how it feels”. I feel this is why I became an artist. I have continued to draw “abstractly” and spontaneously, which often reveals energetics within my body, or other forms that need to heal.

As I grew older things between my mother and me became difficult. In a conscious effort to ensure I would not be a narcissist like her, she deliberately and persistently verbally degraded me. After much struggle to separate myself from her, my response to her negativity became a resolution to thrive.

Through my spiritual mother, I have learned how to navigate pain with grace. She has taught me many ways to express love: service, sharing experiences and feelings, persistently following through on my word and intention, faith, and simply leaving things better than how I found them. Through meditating on her, I have come to greater awareness of how to love everyone. Most importantly, I am learning how to save space for love and understanding that hasn’t had a chance to be expressed yet.

In this piece, I used my mother’s old meditation pants as the foundation. I placed fabrics from my daughter, grandmother, and spiritual mother at the center of my heart.

Worldwide, regardless of the written law, court systems and the police have a strong bias against women and children in favor of men. It is a common phenomenon that women who report rape or sexual abuse are treated as criminals by the police and legal systems of the US. (Joseph, R., Postracial Resistance, New York University Press, 2018. pg 6. Misogyny is compounded by racism.) Reports of domestic and child abuse are by default considered false. Discredited theory is used. The most common and quickly used line of attack against female victims of rape, domestic violence and sexual abuse is attacking the victim’s mental health, ie “she’s crazy”. In cases of child abuse the reporting mother is usually “punished” (read legally retaliated against) by removing their parenting time. This is called parental alienation syndrome (PAS) and, in the US, increases the chances of children being placed in full custody of an abusive father. This phenomenon is a global problem. Even in Iceland, oft considered the most feminist place to live because of near pay equality, they face disproportionately high rates of domestic abuse, sexual abuse and sexual assault. Like in the US and developing countries, the police and legal system defaults to the idea that abuse reports are false and therefore the perpetrators are the true victims. (Joelsdottir and Wyeth, the Misogynist Violence of Iceland’s Feminist Paradise, foreignpolicy.com, 7/15/2020.)

In effect we are punished for trying to protect ourselves and our children. That is crazy.

76 to 92% of adult American males are circumcised. The rates in most Western European countries is less than 20%. There is a movement to see this as child abuse and make the practice illegal.

Cis and trans females are more frequently victims of rape and sexual abuse. However, it is a problem across the gender spectrum. 99% of abusers are men. We need to teach our men the importance of respecting boundaries, sexual and otherwise. This seems harder to do with one of the first imprints on most men in the US being violent trauma to their genitals. It is not uncommon for victims of sexual abuse to have post-traumatic amnesia. Repressing trauma does not make the psychological and physical effects less. Circumcision is performed before memory retention begins. Psychologists see the impact and importance of early childhood experiences throughout life, whether or not these events are remembered. Since it was role-modeled to them so early in life, it is possible could lead to emotional detachment when focused on their genitals and callousness in relation to the sexual pain of others.

In Germany, a district judge ruled in 2012 that ritual circumcision of juveniles is a crime that violates “the fundamental right of the child to bodily integrity.” In Iceland, in 2018, it became illegal to circumcise all children.

This print reminds me of a bird diving. That is also how my energy feels when I begin to bleed. For the last twenty-some years, I have been meditating and doing spiritual practices for a few hours a day. The exception is at the beginning of my menstrual cycle. Most of the month my energy is elevated and clear. I am bringing in the light. On the days I bleed, my energy drops. This is a natural part of releasing. It is needed. If there is mental or emotional stress during this time I find it improves if I intentionally keep my energy in my hips and rest. I am often physically uncomfortable. I like to work in the garden, letting the Earth receive my energy. The contrast between these two times of the month is like day and night. It feels like I have two different lives. A deep red, earthly life and a clear, white spiritual one.

From the time when I got pregnant with my daughter til I stopped nursing her, I did not have my moon cycle. For three and a half years I felt a surreal sense of being outside of time. There was no marker to show that time had passed coming from within. Instead the time passed by watching her develop. I will miss this sense of time, when my red days end.